Against the background of “Fly Me to the Moon,” sung by Frank Sinatra…
NEW VIRGIN AIRLINES Official Carrier of the IDF Conveyor Belt to Paradise “Because 72 virgins shouldn’t have to wait in traffic”
In-flight Announcement – Captain Avi “Boom-Boom” Cohen speaking:
“Good evening, aspiring shahids, members of the IRGC, and anyone who still thinks ‘Death to Israel’ is a viable retirement plan. Welcome aboard, New Virgin Airlines, the Middle East’s fastest-growing one-way carrier.
As the Iran conflict enters its exciting new ‘conveyor belt’ phase, we are proud to announce that we have retired our old, slow, and frankly unreliable ballistic missiles in favor of a state-of-the-art flying carpet conveyor system. No layovers in Damascus, no connecting flights through Beirut, and absolutely zero chance of a return ticket.
Our Fleet
- Economy Carpet (Model: Persian Prayer Rug 2.0) Basic wool construction, modest tassels, holds up to 4 passengers plus one very surprised goat. In-flight meal: one small date. Upon arrival in Paradise, you will be greeted by exactly 72 virgins. Please form an orderly queue; they’ve been waiting since 2024 and are getting restless.
- Business Class (Flying Kilim Executive) Hand-knotted in Isfahan, now with reinforced anti-drone underlay and built-in GPS jammer. Wider seating so your massive ego fits comfortably. Bonus: priority disembarkation directly onto a cloud shaped like Ayatollah Khamenei’s disappointed face.
- Supreme Leader Suite (The Magic Carpet Royale) 24-karat gold-threaded, climate-controlled, with private hammam and a personal attendant named “Houris-R-Us.” Includes a pre-recorded message from Hassan Nasrallah saying, “I’ll see you up there… eventually.” Champagne (non-alcoholic, obviously) and a complimentary “We Told You Not To” certificate signed by the IDF spokesperson.
Safety Briefing
In the unlikely event of a mid-air interception by an F-35, your carpet will automatically convert into a high-speed ejection seat straight to Paradise. Please note: there are no emergency exits, no life vests, and definitely no refunds. Once the conveyor belt starts rolling, you’re committed. Literally.
In-flight Entertainment
- Continuous loop of Israeli Air Force strike videos set to Persian pop music.
- Live telemetry showing your exact GPS coordinates as they disappear from Iranian radar.
- A short documentary titled “72 Virgins: The Waiting Game” features testimonials from previous passengers who never actually arrived.
Captain’s Special Message
“Ladies and gentlemen, we are currently cruising at Mach 3 and 40,000 feet above what used to be your nuclear enrichment facility. If you look out the right side of your carpet, you can see the beautiful lights of Tel Aviv. If you look out the left side… well, there’s mostly smoke and regret.
We expect to arrive at Paradise International in approximately six minutes. Please make sure your affairs are in order, your will is updated, and you’ve finished that last ‘Death to Israel’ chant — the Wi-Fi in Paradise is notoriously spotty.
On behalf of the entire IDF Conveyor Belt team, the Israeli Air Force, and the State of Israel, we’d like to thank you for choosing New Virgin Airlines. We know you had a choice of afterlife providers, and we’re honored you picked the express lane.
Please remain on your carpet until the mushroom cloud has fully dissipated.
Thank you for flying with us. We hope you enjoyed your flight. We know we did.”
Final Boarding Call
Now boarding at Terminal: Tehran, Natanz, Fordow, and the ruins of the Supreme National Security Council building.
Slogan of the Day
“New Virgin Airlines — Because getting to Paradise should be quick, clean, and delivered by people who actually know how to aim.”
